These past two weeks I have felt my life was similar to a 25cent machine. From the outside the colors and the options of what you may get once you insert your quarter looks awesome and exciting, however, after you fish through your pocket and finally find the quarter to place into the coin slot, you receive nothing more than a ten second muse and a quarter poorer. As if my outside looks in tack and I seem like I have it all together but inside I'm hurting. I'm hurting for reasons that I can not even talk about because writing or talking about them just reopens freshly weaved scabs.
After New Years I felt like I had the world at the palm of my hands and I still might be touching it unconsciously with the tip of my finger but it has become much larger than I and has started rolling over my heart like a cement truck. I feel out of control of everything around me, I feel lost, most of all...I feel broken. Last Tuesday I broke my hand. With a lot on my mind and pain in my heart, my strength was not being taken into consideration (not that I am saying I am very strong, I just mean...ehhh I don't know what I mean) well whatever, I broke my hand and I regret it because through the pain, the emptiness, the hurt, and the sadness I have no outlet. I can not go to the gym and workout my stress because...because I am too busy spending my time feeling sorry for myself. This is why I put myself finally on this blog. Two weeks later I convinced myself I couldn't type...
After New Years I felt like I had the world at the palm of my hands and I still might be touching it unconsciously with the tip of my finger but it has become much larger than I and has started rolling over my heart like a cement truck. I feel out of control of everything around me, I feel lost, most of all...I feel broken. Last Tuesday I broke my hand. With a lot on my mind and pain in my heart, my strength was not being taken into consideration (not that I am saying I am very strong, I just mean...ehhh I don't know what I mean) well whatever, I broke my hand and I regret it because through the pain, the emptiness, the hurt, and the sadness I have no outlet. I can not go to the gym and workout my stress because...because I am too busy spending my time feeling sorry for myself. This is why I put myself finally on this blog. Two weeks later I convinced myself I couldn't type...
Yes, valid point...I can not type because of this but the man above me can run without legs... Dramatic? Too much and I guess to finally write all of this down made me realize a lot of things that I have not been able to develop through hours of thought.
Like I said before I broke my hand two weeks ago on a Tuesday and after going to the emergency room and the excitement of all of that, three days later I got it casted. The pictures below are right before the doctor put the cast on. If I get hurt, I get hurt... no scraped knees here!
This blog may have made absolutely no sense to anyone who is reading it but it was a way for me to vent since I have not worked out. It was a way for me to express these emotions that I can not wait to be over but currently they are weighing heavy on me. And yes, as seen in the pictures above it could be worse! Right now, not only my hand but my heart is hurting... I am struggling with negative emotions and I am working on finding my strength to move forward. I have succeeded through these hard times before and there is no doubt I will do it again but it will take time. I am rebuilding my foundation and I will work my way up, creating a stronger structure than my last that will withstand a little more than it once could. I need to stay positive, stay busy, and see all the wonderful things that I have lost sight of. Remind myself that everything happens for a reason, that my past is not the direction I want to walk back to, and time heals all wounds. Time will heal me even though right now I feel I am being beat down by my own thoughts and emotions...it will stop soon and happiness will outshine the feelings of regret and hurt...but it will take time...
"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%, and that's pretty good".
"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%, and that's pretty good".